Hi there! Glad you found me. Some of you may know that my life is no bed of roses but in amidst the tragedy there are truly beautiful moments. I've wanted to make the best of those moments for so long, and to help me I've decided to journey back and explore what makes me feel, think and behave the way I do. Hopefully I'll begin to understand more about me and begin to find more peace

This isn't a challenge blog but if you fancy joining me on my journaling journey, I'll leave a linky so you can post your thoughts.

Here's wishing you special moments in time

Thursday, 8 December 2016

More mind games.

I've been debating wether to post these pages or not as they are the result of the psychotherapy I've been having to try to retrieve memories of the many traumatic experiences which have punctuated my life. Over the years I have become more and more proficient at blocking memories to minimise the impact on my life but the human brain is not yet sophisticated enough to be selective about what it chooses to remember and this subconscious coping strategy has now become detrimental. I can't remember any of the good stuff either and what happens today isn't real enough enable me to create memory. 

After a total breakdown I have tried to pick myself up but cannot find a way to feel 'present' in this life. 

So begins the next stage of my life, reliving some of the more traumatic events so that the memories move from being an image, much like a photograph, to an experience with substance which I can then process, make concrete and choose to move away from. 

A lot of the memory recall work is done through drawing my 'photographs' and then trying to 'see' what is beyond them. It's sometimes surprising what little details come forward. 

I hope you will forgive that I don't intend to explain the resulting pages in my journal, rather just present them as my way of helping myself, another medium through which I can allow the memories creep back into my consciousness. I hope some of the good memories creep back too!

Here's the first one

And the second

Thanks for looking and apologies for the poor drawing. 

Whilst thinking about these things I was wondering why on earth my mum didn't protect us and remove us from danger much sooner. I finally realised something which is so obvious, I should have figured it out eons ago. As mums, we do the best we can do, given the circumstances, and if that was the best my mum could do then that was all that could be asked. With that thought, many years of anger faded and finally allowed me to feel her love for me and mine for her. It's sad that It didn't happen before she died but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I did the best I could, given the circumstances!


PatR said...

Really hope your journey helps you to move on and look forward to a new and fulfilling life Michelle xxx

Gay Peplow said...

Beautiful drawings, good luck with your future and dealing with your past Michelle, thinking of you 💗

Virginia said...

A beautiful heartfelt post lovely lady, I hope this method of unlocking memories allows you to heal a little and start to live in the present day!

Much love