I've been debating wether to post these pages or not as they are the result of the psychotherapy I've been having to try to retrieve memories of the many traumatic experiences which have punctuated my life. Over the years I have become more and more proficient at blocking memories to minimise the impact on my life but the human brain is not yet sophisticated enough to be selective about what it chooses to remember and this subconscious coping strategy has now become detrimental. I can't remember any of the good stuff either and what happens today isn't real enough enable me to create memory.
After a total breakdown I have tried to pick myself up but cannot find a way to feel 'present' in this life.
So begins the next stage of my life, reliving some of the more traumatic events so that the memories move from being an image, much like a photograph, to an experience with substance which I can then process, make concrete and choose to move away from.
A lot of the memory recall work is done through drawing my 'photographs' and then trying to 'see' what is beyond them. It's sometimes surprising what little details come forward.
I hope you will forgive that I don't intend to explain the resulting pages in my journal, rather just present them as my way of helping myself, another medium through which I can allow the memories creep back into my consciousness. I hope some of the good memories creep back too!
Thanks for looking and apologies for the poor drawing.
Whilst thinking about these things I was wondering why on earth my mum didn't protect us and remove us from danger much sooner. I finally realised something which is so obvious, I should have figured it out eons ago. As mums, we do the best we can do, given the circumstances, and if that was the best my mum could do then that was all that could be asked. With that thought, many years of anger faded and finally allowed me to feel her love for me and mine for her. It's sad that It didn't happen before she died but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I did the best I could, given the circumstances!