Introspection

It's been a period of deep introspection for me of late, a few life changing experiences and the need to make many changes, reinventing myself really. I lost myself amongst the grief and loss of a lifetime and am just beginning to find my way again. 

Part of the journey has been re engaging with the activities which give me peace, and of course journaling is high on the list there. 

Many moons ago I came across a number of photos in a Sunday supplement, I think they were photos of people who had survived internment in a Russian Goolag, in any case their faces said so much of life, of pain and loss that I knew I would use the images some day. I guess that day has come. I used the techniques I learned at the weekend workshop by the lovely Kassa Hazelden and initially used one of the images on a canvas

As always put too much paint on my palate so decided to do a journal page too

The sentiment seems so appropriate at the moment, not that I'm wallowing in the loss but acknowledging it so I can move forward. Seems I've been still for too long.

Loving this colour combo sort of duck egg blue and mustard, the photo doesn't do the paint colour justice.

Anyway guys I've burnt the midnight oil long enough so gonna try to sleep a while now.

See ya

X Michelle

Now for a cuppa!

Back in the swing now, enjoying all sorts of craftiness, including a little journaling. 

Loved the picture found in a magazine eons ago and have been waiting for the inspiration to journal with it. 

I don't know if you've figured that I'm in the process of reinventing myself after the trauma if the last few years, a lot of which involves some pretty hard self inspection so when I saw this quote in yet another mag somewhere it was just plain perfect! 

Thus another page is born!

Why have I refused to allow myself the pleasure of creating?

Hope you're having a lovely day 

Michelle x

More mind games.

I've been debating wether to post these pages or not as they are the result of the psychotherapy I've been having to try to retrieve memories of the many traumatic experiences which have punctuated my life. Over the years I have become more and more proficient at blocking memories to minimise the impact on my life but the human brain is not yet sophisticated enough to be selective about what it chooses to remember and this subconscious coping strategy has now become detrimental. I can't remember any of the good stuff either and what happens today isn't real enough enable me to create memory. 

After a total breakdown I have tried to pick myself up but cannot find a way to feel 'present' in this life. 

So begins the next stage of my life, reliving some of the more traumatic events so that the memories move from being an image, much like a photograph, to an experience with substance which I can then process, make concrete and choose to move away from. 

A lot of the memory recall work is done through drawing my 'photographs' and then trying to 'see' what is beyond them. It's sometimes surprising what little details come forward. 

I hope you will forgive that I don't intend to explain the resulting pages in my journal, rather just present them as my way of helping myself, another medium through which I can allow the memories creep back into my consciousness. I hope some of the good memories creep back too!

Here's the first one

And the second

Thanks for looking and apologies for the poor drawing. 

Whilst thinking about these things I was wondering why on earth my mum didn't protect us and remove us from danger much sooner. I finally realised something which is so obvious, I should have figured it out eons ago. As mums, we do the best we can do, given the circumstances, and if that was the best my mum could do then that was all that could be asked. With that thought, many years of anger faded and finally allowed me to feel her love for me and mine for her. It's sad that It didn't happen before she died but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I did the best I could, given the circumstances!

A tangled tangle

Hi there

It's been such a long time since I last posted I had forgotten login in details and it took me about an hour to retreated the info so I could access the blog. I'll be surprised if there is anyone who'll see the post, but as I create these pages for me, that don't matter, I'll go ahead anyway! 

I was in a bit of a tizz when I started this tangled tangle, wanted to journal without anyone knowing what I was ranting about and this is the result. Funny how a page can evolve isn't it. I never set out with a clear idea but let the page grow until I'm happy with the result.

It's only taken about 10 months for this page to reach maturity!

Sorry about the picture, I'm so out of practice. 

I hope this finds you all happy and healthy, 

Wishing you all you would wish for yourself

X Michelle

A work in progress

I've been so down for such a long time that I havn't been able to do any journalling at all. I've been on such a long journey of introspection and until recently havn't found anything of myself that I feel good about.

Just lately though I've started thinking about what I have achieved well and not what I could have done better and find myself at a place where I can start rebuilding a life of integrity, so here goes....

Hope you're having a good day

X Michelle 

Bad blood

Went haywire with my dylusion inks yesterday and thought it looked like blood. Of course the only thing I have that can bleed so much is my broken heart, thus the page evolved and gave me a rest from the heartache for a couple of hours

Still wish I could make my drawings look real but I'm enjoying it anyway.

Today sees me discharged from hospital and on my way home. When I left home to come here I had my, my son my lover and a life. Now I go back home to an empty house and an empty life. Now the work begins! Ow I have to build a life for myself and make it one where I can feel joy! Got a plan but. It sure I've got the strength to see it through.
Wish me luck
X Michelle

He loves me, he loves me not

Thought I'd spend a few hours drawing last night and managed to cobble a page together

I'm really enjoying drawing and whilst I'll never be an artist I think I'm improving a bit. This time I was brave enough to draw straight onto the page, the face first then I covered the whole of the background with journaling, then inked on top of the journaling and continued with the background design.

I can't even remember what I wrote but scribbling it through my tears last night was a release of sorts and I'm pleased with the results.

X Michelle

Free fall

I was looking through my journal yesterday and noticed that the pages were all very controlled so today I thought I'd go into free fall and see what happened. I started off spraying some of Dyan Reavley's ink sprays onto a page then closing the book to make a butterfly print, just look what happened!

Next I cut out some figures from a magazine and used them to draw round onto black paper to create a couple of silhouettes, and before sticking them down splodged some gesso straight onto the page behind one of the figures. When it was dry I stuck the silhouettes in place and splodged more gesso through sequin waste and using the lids off the pots etc. then came the hard part, I very quickly scribbled the leaves and flowers and wrote the peom. A little gel pen to highlight and my 'free' page was finished.

What do you reckon? Does it pass muster?
Now stop sniggering you lot, it's not that bad!
X Michelle

Three little birds

This page has been sitting on my desk for a week or more as I've not been able to think of any text for it. Now I've just decided it doesn't need anything until the right words hit me and that's when it'll be done.

I've used the Imagination Crafts Stencil which I have then zentangled over and added the little birdies and more doodling, and as the challenge for this month at imagination crafts is anything goes this'll fit the bill nicely!

There's also £40 worth of goodies as a prize so here goes and fingers crossed.

Thanks for such fantastic comments and your love and support
X Michelle

Butterfly Babe

On Sunday I watched the first film I've been able to concentrate on in a long time. I saw the first hunger games some while back and thought I'd keep the second film to watch whilst I was on home leave.

I was enthralled! Not by the film (although that was good) but by the costumes. One costume particularly caught my eye and inspired a journal page I started when I go back to the hospital on Sunday evening.

I thought it looked ok until I found a picture of the actual costume on the net.

All I can say is that it is the same colour!

Still I have been working hard at not expecting too much of myself and I was absorbed in the creation of the page, which in itself is a good thing.

I had a good start to the day today, I took myself off to art from the heart to collect the next sets of distress ink minis plus a few other bits that 'fell' into my basket, then sat outside and had a lovely latte whilst sitting in the sun.

This evening though I feel pretty bad. Probably because I'm too tired to keep myself busy and too achy to sit and craft. Oh woe is me!!!!

Time to stop feeing sorry for myself and set about putting plans into action! Got exciting new things to come - watch this space

In the meantime sleep well, tomorrow is another day
X Michelle

A little birdie told me!

I thought I'd try my hand at drawing a few different birds whilst I was on home leave over the weekend, big mistake! This is about the fourth attempt and it too would have been forcibly propelled into the bin if I had not given up on the idea of drawing at all!

I don't suppose it is so bad but I'm getting frustrated with this drawing lark when I can't draw what's in my head! Still if my head is full of things that need drawing, there is little room left for descending into madness - honest!

That said, my weekend at home was ok. There were times when the urge to end it all became almost too much to bear and that part was a fight all weekend. In contrast I LOVED being able to do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it! I ran out of ink for the printer in the early hours on Saturday morning and just got into the car, drove the 10 miles to the nearest supermarket and drove back home again. A quick snooze and a cuppa later, and I was able to carry on printing and crafting.

I also LOVED my memory foam mattress and down duvet and thoroughly enjoyed the warmth and comfort of it! Had a lovely visit from my brother and watched a film with my son and his girlfriend.

So on the whole I think it was a positive weekend and the forecast for this week could be mainly dry with occasional sunshine in the north with the odd spot of rain falling down the face throughout the week.
Hope you have a sunshiny week
X Michelle

Can I see clearly now?

I pinched this picture from a magazine in the hospital waiting room whilst I was waiting to see how Alan was. He had another heart attack a couple of weeks ago so a I had to hot tail it from my hospital bed to his. I had plenty of time to flick through all the magazines in the room and was struck by this image. It fits this quote from Anne Franke perfectly! How can a girl so young have such insight into the human condition?

The background was done by inking through a stencil onto the white paper, drawing round the stencil to define the edges a little then lightly inking over again. After stamping the water droplets I stuck the picture down and pencilled the lowlights behind. The addition of glossy accents and a little journalling and the page was finished. A page I particularly like too. It's good when you gain pleasure from something you've created and can ignore the faults in it.

Yesterday was a good day all round. I met up with Liam at Bolton Abbey and we spent a couple of hours wandering about near where I was brought up then came back to the hospital and had a really good crafty session. For the first time in many many months I felt like a real person living a real life.

I've come down with a bump though because along with feeling real comes the knowledge of how ill I've been for so long. I just feel I've been living an absolute nightmare that I can't crawl away from.

Still tomorrow's another day!
Sleep tight
X Michelle

Everything's coming up roses!

Yesterday I fancied having a go at drawing something other than People so thought I'd try drawing a rose. Usually I try to be very precise but just for once, I thought I'd use a pen straight off and be as free as I could. Very uncomfortable for me. Of course after drawing the rose I had to draw the lady to go with it.

Been a bit better over the last couple of days but still the fight goes on. I think I've probably grasped enough thorns by now though.

Hope you're enjoying you week
X Michelle

Heavy!

I called in at Heart from the Heart on Saturday to have a look see if there was anything I 'needed' and was thrilled at the range of stamps, pens, pencils and stencils they have in stock. Definitely a must do shop if your into journalling!

I was tempted to buy one of the new TH stencils and dashed back to the ward to get it covered in ink.

I used the crocodile stencil and from there came a whole load of 'scale' related phrases so the page evolved into this.

Again I didn't have a stamp of scales so had to resort to drawing some, quite pleased with the overall effect!

When I get bored of ink and paper I take a break by doing a little tatting. A skill mum and I taught ourselves on one of the holidays we had together in a little coastal hamlet called Newton Ferrers. The Duke and Duchess of Devonshire used to let us use their boating lodge every year and we had some wonderful holidays there.

If you want to see the earrings I made, check them out on Midnight Crafter

Back soon, another page already in the making.

X Michelle

Is this really real?

Not had quite as good a day today but bit by bit this life is beginning to feel more real and I'm getting through more hours without feeling so destroyed and collapsing with the sheer weight of these emotions.

I'm finding that Zentangling is the perfect way to spend aimless hours without thinking too much. It's absorbing and the concentration required to make it as precise as I can fills my head leaving little space for grief.

Some days it takes all I have to make myself do. Not too many days ago I was laid in bed, knowing I needed to get up but unable to will myself to do so. I decided that to start with I'd put my feet on the floor, after a few seconds I made myself walk to the end of the bed, next I knew I could walk into the bathroom and turn on the shower, after a few moment I managed to get in the shower and get washed.
And so the day began!

Today I was up and ready with my 'mask' on (thank goodness for makeup) and hair done looking forward to the first visit from my family. Kate landed with a bagful of stamps which someone had given her. Some fabulous sentiments amongst them.

Love the sentiment on this page, and it's something I've got to learn to do, I've got to find a way to imagine how life can continue. Here's to imagination!
Back soon, these pages are coming thick and fast!
X Michelle

Whispering a Scream

Hi y'all

I finished this page a couple of days ago but havn't got round to posting it and I look at it today and don't feel like that at all. Today I feel so much better. The new meds seem to be making a huge difference, so much so that I've actually enjoyed my day.

This morning I had a Halsa neck and shoulder massage to try to sort out the fibromyalgia, then after lunch I walked into Harrogate and trawled the charity shops for beads n bits and was thrilled to find a little teapot jug and sugar bowl for one set. At last a good hot cup of tea!

The background was inked with distress inks then stencilled through using a stencil I bought at the Harrogate show from Imagination Crafts. It was lovely to finally meet the lovely Linda Simpson, she gives the bestest hugs! Thanks Linda x

The flowers were some colouring pages from the craft box on the ward and the barbed wire stamp, a technique Tuesday stamp. The girl is my very own drawing. Not brilliant but think I'm getting better!

Off to post some cards on Midnight Crafter now so will see you later.
X Michelle

Demonic Posession? Don't think so!

I saw this picture in the mail on Sunday supplement and no sooner had I clapped eyes on it, I was there with the scissors, snipping and cutting. I'm a bit limited for backgrounds cos I've only got inks with me but I do have the reflection stamps from Tim Holtz and thinking of the records which, when played backwards, were supposed to render a demonic message, thought the backwards script fairly appropriate.

I've some really hard thinking to do now, and some very hard choices to make, not quite strong enough to make them yet, but the docs put me on some medication that is closing down the heart rending grief enough for me to be able to think a little and maybe even reach the odd conclusion!
Don't get too excited though, the penalty to pay for this chemically induced calmness is a mouth that tastes like iron filings and the inability to move at anything but a snails pace.

Remember a few posts back I was commenting on the fact that I was sat in my room, in the psychiatric hospital, watching one flew over the cuckoos nest? I didn't envisage being put on the very same meds! Only a very small dose though so I still have the ability to put ink to paper.

I have made quite a few cards too if you fancy popping over to midnight crafter blog to have a look.

Hope you've enjoyed the sun this weekend.
Love n Hugs
X Michelle

Fairy Nuff

Not posted for a few days, not been up to it! Really struggling at the moment, I never knew that grief could be such a paralysing physical pain. I feel I've lost so much. Somewhere in the very back of my heart there still lingers the tiniest chink of hope, so minute that I struggle to feel it, but it is there.

I've got to believe that there is more to look forward to than this pain.

I've had these stamps for a while but this is the first time I've used them. Really love their quirkiness.
Thanks for your comments, and for all the hugs I got from the lovely ladies at the GNPE in Harrogate last week. Thank you so much for your kind words and genuine kindness.

X Michelle

The eye sees everything

Or does it?

Back to more zentangling. I was given this mask which the group therapy session were supposed to paint with poster paints the other day, but immediately I knew what I wanted to do with it, and I passed a quiet hour or two doodling.

We all have masks of sorts, we are different things to different people but I have spent so many years hiding my pain from the world, I've lost who I really am. At the moment I don't have the energy to keep that mask on, and my pain, raw and visceral is there for all to see.

My heart hurts.

Spring flowers

Yep spring has arrived in a glorious blaze. I was allowed out into town today so made a bee line for Samuel Taylor's in Harrogate but when I got there it was closed not to fazed though, I called into the works and bought a white gel pen to complete the journaling on this page. I've had to resort to drawing again but quite pleased with the results.

I think she looks a bit like Zoe Wannamaker what do you think?

It's been a hard day today, being out in real life just overwhelmed me. It made me feel the heart rending loss again and I ended up sobbing all threat back to the hospital. I really don't want this life if it's going to hurt this much.
Maybe it'll be better tomorrow.